Five Steps to a Better Relationship

I do a lot of couples counseling, and I often see couples make the same mistakes, mostly having to do with poor listening and communication skills. So I’ve developed a list of five things you and your spouse, or partner, can do to improve your relationship.

1. Make requests, not demands. Spouses don’t usually think about how their language affects their partner. Look at the difference between the following questions: “Take out the garbage, will you?” and “Can you please take out the garbage?” The message is the same in both but the deliveries are very different, which will likely alter the outcome: Demands are usually met with resistance while polite requests are often well received.

Another mistake couples make is speaking in absolutes, meaning they tend to use the word “often” and “never” when addressing their spouse’s behavior. Words like “sometimes” or “usually” are usually much more accurate. Also, I try to get couples to move away from an attacking or blaming stance to one of positive reinforcement. So, instead of saying “I’m sure you’ll be late. You’re always late” try “I really appreciate it when you’re on time. Can you please be here at 7 o’clock?”

2. Be a better listener. I cannot emphasize how important this is. So many couples either talk over one another or they formulate their own thoughts as their spouse talks to them. Others listen halfheartedly as they stare at a television or a computer screen. All of us have a basic need to be heard and understood, and when we don’t get that from our partner it often makes us feel angry and frustrated.

One way to practice better listening skills is called the “active listening exercise”. In this exercise, one person (let’s call her Jennifer) talks for 30 seconds about something important to her, using “I” statements. Her spouse (let’s call him Steve) looks directly at her and listens. When the time is up, Steve paraphrases back to Jennifer what he just heard, using statements like “I heard you say…” or “You said…” It’s important that he not editorialize in any way. Then, Jennifer has the chance to say whether Steve heard her correctly or not.

This exercise is more than just a way to sharpen your listening skills. Just as important is attempting to understand the other person’s perspective. After all, the goal of any argument isn’t to win by proving who’s “right” but to achieve a mutual understanding and then develop a compromise.

3. Say and do positive things. It sounds so basic but it’s one of the hallmarks of any healthy relationship. Small gestures like calling your wife at work to ask how her presentation went, or remembering to buy olives at the grocery store because you know your husband likes them means so much to your partner. The message behind these actions is always the same: “I’m thinking about you and I care about you.” It’s these small, daily gestures, as opposed to the big and bold ones (the rare weekend getaway or dozen roses on your anniversary), that help cement the bond between you and your spouse. Also, it helps to create a cycle of goodwill between the two of you.

4. Communicate your sexual needs. Some couples I see complain about a poor, or absent, sexual relationship. In either case, lack of communication is often to blame. Too many couples muddle through unsatisfying sex or avoid sex and intimacy altogether -- to the point where they’re living more like roommates than husband and wife, or partners. There are many dangers to this sort of relationship, including substance abuse and infidelity.

I understand how difficult it is for most couples to talk about sex -- money being the other uncomfortable topic -- but it’s so important to tell your partner what you like and what you don’t. It’s the only way to have a rich and satisfying sexual relationship for the long haul. To that end, in my office I sometimes have couples complete the following sentences to one another: “I like it when you…” and “I don’t like it when you…” Invariably, one partner will say, “I never knew you felt that way.” For many couples, that’s the first step towards greater intimacy.

5. Practice assertiveness. Too many couples act in a passive or passive-aggressive way. Neither are healthy ways to communicate your needs. Instead of stifling your needs (passive) or expressing your needs in a sneaky way (passive-aggressive), tell your partner what you need in a polite and respectful but firm manner (assertive). The reason most people don’t act assertively is that they want to please their spouse, or at least not disappoint him or her. But in doing so, they sacrifice their own needs, which often leaves them feeling angry and resentful.

Here’s an example from my practice: Susan was passionate about painting but she had long suppressed it because she felt guilty about not spending every night at home with her husband Tom. Her resentment for Tom grew, and she began to act rudely towards him, which left Tom confused. I encouraged Susan to tell Tom she wanted to pursue her art, and she later did, telling him she’d like to sign up for a weekly course at the nearby college. Tom was supportive because he knew it
would make Susan happy. In fact, he later commented on Susan’s improved mood, which in turn, led to a stronger relationship between the couple.

With his practice in Washington, D.C., David provides individual and group therapy for adults. He has a particular interest in helping young adults (20s and 30s). Click Here to learn more about David Sternberg, LICSW.