Supporting Your Spouse’s Weight-Loss Efforts

Alvin Pratt thought he was supporting his wife, Donna, in her effort to lose 75 pounds by "gently" calling it to her attention every time she exceeded her daily food goals or otherwise fell short of the objectives she had established for herself. He was sure he was helping by pointing out areas of improvement.

To the surprise of few who have found themselves in similar situations, Donna's opinion of her husband's "assistance" was far from glowing - in fact, she called it harassment.

Pratt eventually came to see the error of his ways, and transformed himself from an obstacle into an asset, a process he described in an article in Vibrant Life magazine (Oct.-Nov. 1991). Though the Pratts' story had a happy ending, many spouses still struggle with what to do when their partner attempts to lose weight.

Here are a few ways you can support your spouse in his or her weight loss efforts, along with a series of suggestions about what actions you'd be wise to avoid.

DO help your partner eat healthier - Removing temptations (for example, ridding the house of chips, pretzels, and cookies and stocking up on apples, celery, carrots, and other healthy munchies) is one step in creating a more encouraging environment for your spouse. In an article on the Hitched magazine website, nutrition adviser Rovenia Brock also advises supportive spouses to find healthier versions of favorite recipes and to eat out less - two actions that emphasize eating enjoyable meals while exercising greater control over ingredients and portion size.

DON'T be a food cop - As Alvin and Donna Pratt discovered, even well-intentioned spouses can undermine a healthy eating plan by offering excessive "advice." Health and nutrition expert Cynthia Sass addresses this issue in her book Your Diet Is Driving Me Crazy: When Food Conflicts Get in the Way of Your Love Life. "No one likes being policed, and yet we often do it to people we love in the name of ‘their best interests,'" Sass writes. "In the quest to help a partner stay healthy, a food cop can become obsessive, overbearing, and in short, a tyrant. And as anyone who's ever been policed by a spouse will tell you, it almost never works!"

DO acknowledge the challenge your spouse is facing - Several weight loss experts have noted that fear can dampen an overweight person's effort to shed unwanted pounds. Admitting to yourself and your closest allies that you need to make changes in your life can be an intimidating experience - and not having your hopes and plans taken seriously by those you trust can be overwhelming. Writing on the Mental Health World website about his struggles with depression, Lee Smith could easily have been expressing the emotions of overweight individuals around the world when he observed that "the pain of rejection from our spouses at the time we need their support and compassion the most can be devastating." Simply acknowledging to your spouse that you understand the challenges she is facing - and affirming that you are willing to face those challenges together - can give your partner the strength necessary to put her weight-loss plan into action.

DON'T dwell on the hardships - Losing a significant amount of weight isn't simply a matter of eating a bit less and exercising a bit more. Depending upon the individual, the process can involve breaking decades-old habits or modifying thought processes that date to childhood. In other words, it can literally be a life-changing event. Telling your spouse "This is going to be a lot harder than you realize" or asking "What makes you think this time will be different than all the other times you tried (and failed)?" sows seeds of doubt and demonstrates your lack of faith in your partner.

DO make it a team effort - Ultimately, the amount of weight your spouse loses is dependent solely upon genetics and the diet and exercise plan he follows. But this doesn't mean that your efforts have no influence on the outcome. Let your spouse know that this is a team effort, and then be sure your actions back up your words. Taking walks together, discussing goals, and eating healthier foods yourself are three great ways to show your support - and may have the added benefit of improving your health and strengthening your relationship.

DON'T stay on the sidelines - Cheerleaders are great, but they can't pass you the ball, block a would-be tackler, or back up your errant throw. Providing emotional support and a steady stream of positive reinforcement is a great start, but don't just be a fan in the stands. Participating as much as possible in your spouse's weight loss efforts can do wonders for you both.

DO celebrate successes - Weight loss and maintenance is a long-term effort that involves meeting a number of short-term goals. An individual's interim objectives may include getting to a specified weight by a certain date, fitting into a certain size of clothing, or exceeding an exercise target. Whatever the goal, passing a short-term milestone is an opportunity to celebrate. A card, a gift to acknowledge your partner's success, or even simply saying "I'm so proud of you" can mean more to your spouse than you might ever know.

DON'T let setbacks set either of you too far back - A key component of any good plan is determining what to do when events don't go as expected - and anyone who undertakes on a long-term weight loss process is going to experience some setbacks. Missed target weights, dietary "slip-ups," and exercise plateaus are just three of the many events that can feel like failure to even the most resolute individuals. Your spouse knows when she has veered off the healthy path - and definitely doesn't need to hear you nag or say "I told you so." Instead, setback situations are great opportunities for you to remind your spouse how far she has already come, and to reinforce the fact that your partner has your complete faith and support.

DO recognize that your spouse is changing both inside and out - The physical changes associated with a significant weight loss can be dramatic, but they are not the only changes your spouse will undergo during this process. A successful weight loss process involves psychological and behavioral components, and can affect a person's confidence, self-esteem, and self-image. Recognize that your spouse is working to improve himself both inside and out and be sure to acknowledge all of these challenges and celebrate all of the accomplishments he makes.

DON'T be threatened by improvements your spouse is making - Since a successful weight loss effort can require significant changes in the way a person thinks and acts, it can also result in new opportunities, new objectives, and even a new outlook on life. For the spouse of someone who has gone through an experience as significant as a dramatic weight loss, it's important to remember that change, growth, and development are essential components of healthy, dynamic relationships.

DO make sure your spouse knows she has your complete support - If you've followed the suggestions in this article, your partner should already know this (but go ahead and say it anyway - sentiments like this can't be expressed too many times).